


Some Sort of Martyr Deal

by krazieLeylines



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Slavery, Beforus trolls living on Alternia, Chucklevoodoos, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Love ndrangles, Multi, Mute Kurloz, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pre-Accident Mituna, Psionics, all the trolls are cloned, no spburb au, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 12:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/710830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazieLeylines/pseuds/krazieLeylines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s important that you remain calm, but even so, logistics are quickly being smothered out by your deeper instincts. It’s in your blood. Your inner troll isn’t saying, <i>We need to stay focused</i>. It’s chanting <i>Save your diamond, save your diamond, save your diamond</i>. </p><p>You’re torn between hating Mituna for being so stupid and hating the world for being dangerous in the first place. Once this is over, you’re locking that boy up in a box in the deepest cavern in the world with enough games to keep him satisfied for the rest of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Sort of Martyr Deal

**Author's Note:**

> This story is sort of a prequel to [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/547043/chapters/973875) story here, but you don't have to read it to know what's going on. At it's most basic, it's an au where cherubs, carapaces and humans are slaves to the trolls on Alternia and due to low population rates, the drones begin experimenting with cloning trolls, so each young troll has a clone (Gamzee's would be Kurloz, for instance).

==>Kurloz Makara: Be woken up by the annoying shipping deaf girl

Excuse you, but you weren’t even asleep, just resting for a little bit in your ‘coon before starting the night. Nor would you ever refer to the Meulin’s enthusiastic matchmaking antics as ‘annoying’. Perhaps you’d use the word ‘animated’, or ‘passionate’, or even ‘endearing’. Really, there is a whole thesaurus of synonyms that would be appropriately applicable, and ‘annoying’ isn’t among them.

Mituna teases that you’re flushed for her in the same manner of ways that Meulin teases that you’re pale for him. You’ve never denied either claim, because you try to be honest as you can with your closest of acquaintances. Unfortunately, honesty through omission is the best you can do.

Anyway, Trollian gives another beep, and you’re reminded that your friend is messaging you. Happy to chat with her, you pull yourself from your recoupercoon and grab a towel to wipe the slime off. You don’t dare to eat it like Gamzee does, because you’ve seen enough of how it affects him to even allow the thought to cross your mind.

After your body is sopor slime-free, you grab a clean set of clothes and get dressed, returning to your husktop just in time to read her latest message.

\--cupidsAssociate [CA] has begun trolling christenedTaciturn [CT]--

CA: (=^O_o^=) MOG KURLOZ ARE YOU THERE??  
CA: (=^O_o^=) THIS IS BIG MEWS  
CA: (=^O_o^=) LIKE THE BIGGEST MEWS!!  
CA: ~(=^OnO^)/ C’MON SILLY I KNOW YOU’RE UP! YOU HIKE YOUR PAWS OFUR HERE AND TALK TO ME!!  
CA: (=^o\ /o^=) THIS IS LIKE TOTALLY AN SOS SITUATION HERE!!!  
CT: :o)  
CT: WHO IS IT AND IN WHICH QUADRANT.  
CA: (=^OxO^=) WHAT?  
CT: THE “MEWS” IS THAT ONE OF YOUR SHIPS HAS FLOWN, YES.  
CA: (=^-\ /-^;=) THE WORD IS SAILED YOU CAT!  
CT: AH YES. MY APOLOGIES.  
CT: :o)  
CA: (=^OnO^=) AND NO, IT ISN’T MATCHMAKING MEWS.  
CA: (=^T n T^=) IN FACT, IT’S NOT HAPPY MEWS AT ALL.  
CT: :o(  
CA: (=^o_o^=) EXCATLY!  
CT: WHAT IS IT.  
CA: (=^._.^=) TO BE PAWNEST…  
CA: \\(=-w-;=)/ I DON’T KNOW!  
CA: (=^._.^=) BUT I DO KNOW THAT IT’S NOT GOOD.  
CT: WHAT DO YOU KNOW.  
CA: (=^. .^=) I DO KNOW THAT IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SOLLUX AND ERIDAN.  
CA: (=^. .^=) AND THAT MEWTUNA IS FURRY WORRIED ABOUT IT.  
CT: HE IS.  
CA: (=^O O^=) YES! AND THAT IS WHY I CONTACTED YOU.  
CA: (=^n n^=) BECAUSE IF THERE IS ANYONE THAT MEWTUNA WILL LISTEN TO, IT IS YOU!  
CT: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY.  
CA: (=^. .^=) WELL FIGURING OUT WHAT’S GOING ON IS THE MEWST IMPURRTENT FURRST STEP.  
CA: (=^. .^=) SO I GUESS…  
CA: ~(=^-o-^)/ LISTEN TO HIM. AND THEN ONCE YOU’VE LISTENED, AND YOU KNOW WHAT STUPID THING IT IS THAT HE’S PLANNING ON DOING  
CA: ~(=^O o O^)/ YOU STOP HIM!  
CT: WHY SO CERTAIN HE IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID.  
CA: (=^O . o^=)UMM…  
CA: (=^O m O^=)BECAUSE HE’S MEWTUNA??!  
CT: :o)  
CT: FAIR ENOUGH.  
CT: I WILL TRY MY BEST TO GET THROUGH TO HIM.  
CT: THANK YOU, MEULIN.  
CA: (=^-w-^=) ANYTIME, KURLOZ!!  
CA: (=^-w-^=) I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK.  
CA: ~(=^n v n^)/`*  
CA: (=^-w-^=)THAT IS ME GIVING YOU LUCK.  
CT: :o)  
CT: YOU HAVE MY GRATITUTE.

\--cupidsAssociate [CA]has ceased trolling christenedTaciturn [CT]--

This is rather unsettling. This is why – you think rather selfishly – Mituna would be so much better off with someone to watch over him. Most trolls who need moirails are dangerous to society, but Mituna is a danger only to himself. Always cooking up insane, suicidal schemes. You don’t know how his matesprit deals with it all without having a heart attack.

Then again, Latula is just as bad sometimes. In fact, once or twice you’ve suspected that she’s cheered him on in some of his more dangerous of adventures.

Hopefully Mituna is still in the blueprints stage of his newest plot. If he’s already on his way out the door, he’ll be less likely to respond to messages via Trollian, and then who knows the next time you’ll be able to contact him?

\--christenedTaciturn [CT] has begun trolling auraTormented [AT]--

CT: GOOD EVENING MITUNA.  
CT: :o)  
AT: N07 N0W KURL0Z 1 DON7 H4V3 71M3 FOR 7H15  
CT: NOT EVEN FOR AN IDLE CHAT.  
AT: C3R741NLY N0T F0R 4N 1DL3 CH47  
CT: :o(  
AT: 50RRY  
AT: 7H15 15 R34LLY 1MP0R74N7  
AT: 7H47 GRU8FUCK F1SHS74NK H45 70 83 5T0PP3D 4ND 1M 7H3 0NLY 0N3 WHO D03SN7 H4V3 MY H34D 50 F4R UP MY N00K 7H47 4LL 7H3Y C4N 533 15 7H3 N30N GL0W 0F 7H13R N3V3R T0 533 7H3 1NS1D3 0F 4 8UCK3T G3N371C M4T3R14L  
AT: 3V3N 50LLUX C4N7 T3LL 7H3 D1FF3R3NC3 837W33N 4 C4L1G1N0U5 H4NK3R1NG 0F M4T1NG F0NDN355 4ND 4 D351R3 T0 DR4W 4LL 7H3 WR0NG K1ND5 0F FLU1D5  
CT: SLOW DOWN THERE MOTHERFUCKER.  
CT: I DIDN’T CATCH A SINGLE WORD OF THAT PREACHING.  
AT: 533 1 70LD Y0U  
AT: N0 0N3 UND3RST4ND5  
AT: 1 H4V3 70 G0  
CT: I COULD UNDERSTAND.  
CT: IF YOU WOULD JUST TALK TO ME.  
CT: :o)  
AT: W4N71NG T0 15 N07 7H3 155U3  
AT: H4V1NG 7H3 71M3 T0 DR1V3 7H3 M3554G3 D0WN Y0UR PR0731N CHUT3 W1TH0UT Y0U R3GURG17471NG 17 84CK UP W17H M0R3 QU3S710NS 4ND 4 S0UR ST0M4CH 15 7H3 PR08L3M  
CT: COPY THAT, BROTHER.  
CT: YOU SAW SOMETHING AGAIN, DIDN’T YOU.  
CT: YOU SAW THE FUTURE.  
CT: AND YOU WANT TO STOP IT.  
AT: WH47 4 573R307YP1C4LLY F4L53 455UM710N  
AT: N0 0N3 C4N 570P 7H3 FU7UR3  
AT: 7H3 FU7UR3 15 4 UN1V3R514L C0N574N7  
AT: 17 W1LL 4LW4Y5 C0M3  
AT: 4LL 1 C4N D0 15 CH0053 7H3 V3R510N 0F 7H3 FU7UR3 7H47 15 L345T R3PUL51V3 70 M3  
CT: I SEE.  
AT: N0 Y0U D0N7  
AT: Y0U 4LW4Y5 54Y 7H47 8U7 Y0U D0N7 UND3R574ND  
CT: FAIR ENOUGH.  
CT: ANY WAY I CAN HELP YOU.  
AT: 07H3R 7H4N 4GR331NG T0 80TH3R M3 4T 4 M0R3 C0NV3N13N7 71M3  
AT: N0 N07 R34LLY  
CT: :o(  
AT: 570P M4K1NG 7H47 F4C3 17 D03SN7 W0RK R3M3M83R  
CT: :o( :o( :o(  
AT: 571LL N0T W0RK1NG  
AT: 0K4Y 1M G01NG 70 H4V3 T0 G0 N0W  
CT: CAN’T I COME.  
AT: H0W F457 C4N Y0U G37 70 7H3 P31X35 H1V3  
CT: AS FAST AS YOU NEED ME TO.  
CT: AND AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE IT IS FOR ME TO.  
AT: 0K4Y D0 7H47 53C0ND 0N3 0R 1 4M 574R71NG W17H0U7 Y0U  
CT: I’LL BE THERE.

\--auraTormented [AT] has logged off!--

Scratch that, this is _extremely_ unsettling. What does Mituna want with the twin Heiresses? And he mentioned something about Sollux. And... malicious intentions that were being read as black feelings? That must be Eridan, you suppose. Meulin was sure the two of them were hitting it up hard as a potential caliginous pair. Perhaps she was wrong.

What did Mituna know? You’re starting to get a knot in the center of your gut, something slimy and slithery that makes you feel more than a little ill. 

Loosing Mituna has never been an option for you, despite the fact that you’re going to have to lose him eventually, with his lifespan being the blink of an eye in comparison to yours. Still, you have at least another ten or so sweeps with him, and you’re not going to let his own stupidity cut back on your limited time.

Not if you are able to stop it. Which you truly hope is the case. 

Getting up, you toss on some outer layers to keep you a bit warmer, but make sure that you don’t accidentally cover up your bloodline’s emblem. The purple Capricorn sign will keep nosy drones from questioning you on your way so that you can get to the Peixes hive all the sooner.

A lot of the biases based off of the hemospectrum are outdated and taken more literally than you think is appropriate, but there are times in which taking advantage of your privileges comes in handy.

Right before you go, you send Meulin another quick message so she isn’t losing her head worrying.

\--christenedTaciturn [CT] has begun trolling cupidsAssociate [CA]--

CT: MITUNA IS ON HIS WAY TO THE PEIXES HIVE.  
CT: I AM FOLLOWING HIM.  
CA: (=^x . x^=)OH NOES!!!  
CA: ~(=^x . x^)/ HURRY SO YOU CAN CATCH HIM BEFUR HE DOES SOMETHING REALLY DANGEROUS!  
CT: DON’T WORRY, I WILL.  
CT: I WILL UPDATE YOU ON WHAT HAPPENS AFTERWARDS.  
CA: (=^. _ .^=)OKAY.  
CA: (=^-w-^=) TALK TO ASAP!  
CT: :o)

\--christenedTaciturn [CT] has logged off!--

You turn off your husktop, gathering it into your sylladex. However, you do turn on Trollian on your phone just in case someone else needs to contact you. With friends like Mituna and Meulin, you’ve long learned to err on the side of caution.

Before you can go, though, you have to inform Gamzee of your whereabouts. You could leave the task to one of the servants, but you decide against it. It’s not that you don’t trust their abilities or their loyalty. (Though, is loyalty the right word? The aliens don’t respect you, they merely fear you. Close enough, though, you figure.) It’s just that you can see them delivering the message to him without checking to see if he’s actually listening. 

Walking down the hall, you knock at your clone’s door. There is the sound of a horn being stepped on, and then a yelp of surprise. Seeing as you’re on a serious mission, you resist the impulse to facepalm.

Gamzee opens the door, blinking at you sleepily. “What’s the news, brother?”

Lifting your hand, you sign to him, _Something has come up. I have to go. I will be back before sunrise. You can reach me with Trollian_. You try to use simple sentences because Gamzee’s ability to understand sign language is a little skewed even in the best of times, so there’s no telling how much he’ll comprehend while still half-asleep.

As you expected, Gamzee blinks at you again, and then yawns long and wide, not bothering to cover his mouth as he does so. Then he surprises you by saying, “Is it Mituna?”

It’s always been like this with Gamzee. One day you cannot begin to fathom his purpose in this world, or how someone like him arose from a bloodline as special as yours. And then, out of every bumbling, sopor-idled moment of his otherwise meaningless existence, there is an instance of clarity that has you reminded that behind those half-lidded eyes, there is a troll. Perhaps the very same troll that has been foretold of in the scripture of your people. Only time will tell for sure, however.

You give Gamzee a confirming thumbs-up.

A slow smile finds its way across his face like a rift appearing across a surface of ice, crooked and again hinting at a higher intelligence than you normally know him for. “Well then all means, motherfucker, go give him the what’s for,” he tells you, eyes twinkling, “The littler Captor ain’t gonna conciliate himself.”

 _That’s not what I am trying to accomplish here_ , you begin to sign, and then stop, because you were signing too quickly and now he’s looking at your hand like it just started having an aneurism and he doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s not as he deserves any more of your time explaining this obvious fact to him anyway. Although establishing a moirallegiance with Mituna would certainly would be a nice alternative motive, it isn’t your primary goal.

Also, on a more juvenile note, it’s not as if Gamzee has any place to talk. He’s been playing pale cluckbeast with Karkat so long that it would be a miracle if they ever reached quadrant status.

 _I will see you later_ , you sign to him, this time taking your time so that he can read what it is you’re trying to say to him. Gamzee gives an agreeable grunt to show that he understands, so you nod to him one last time and leave.

Or begin to, in any case. Gamzee stops you again. 

“Oh, hold your motherfuckin’ horses for just one split frame of reference there,” he says, and when you turn to face him, he’s housing a rather queer, intense expression on his face. Holding up an arm slowly as if it’s almost too heavy to lift, Gamzee points off in a vague direction, which you figure was supposed to be aimed for his husktop. “Will you be wanting me to get in touch with some other fuckers and see if they can’t all be stopping by just to give Mituna a pause just in case they were being in the neighboring lawnring anyhow?”

That… is a surprisingly good idea, and you’re wishing that you could have thought of it yourself. Nodding, you indicate with your fingers, _Yes. Try reaching the highbloods. Try Aranea. She might be visiting Meenah. Maybe also Latula_.

This time he gives you the thumbs-up to show that he understood.

==>Kurloz: Save Mituna and steal his pale quadrant

You think you’re getting just a little ahead of yourself here. As convenient as it would be, you cannot miraculously appear at the Peixes residence. There is a long road from point A to point B, and a lot can happen that can interfere with your voyage in the meantime.

Also, didn’t you _just establish_ that while becoming Mituna’s moirail would be nice and certainly nothing that you would object to, it’s not your primary focus? 

In any case, you are going just about as fast as you can without running. Tiring yourself out half-way there and having to stop to rest will only waste more time. And who the motherfuck knows how much time you have in the first place?

There are some nice shortcuts that other trolls generally avoid at this early time of night due to the creepy, sun-loving delinquents that can often be found here. To your relief, most of them are at least two or three castes below you and don’t even glance at you the moment they notice your crest.

They are all older than you, though, some up to three sweeps your senior, but luckily they seem to be under the impression that blood color trumps age and size, so you pass by unharmed.

There are few drones down these alleys, due to the fact that their broad shoulders are unable to squeeze down these narrow passages. The only one you pass by also leaves you alone, even lowering its head a bit out of respect for your ancestry. It’s no secret to you from which man you received your genes from. You’ve seen enough pictures of him to recognize the obvious resemblance. Even if bloodlines are supposed to be top secret, you can tell that the drones know.

Hell, they’re probably had acquaintances who were culled by the Grand Highblood. If drones have any sense of attachment to each other whatsoever, that isn’t something they would easily forget.

The Peixes hive is on the coast just the same as your hive is, but farther south. After reaching a certain checkpoint, however, you’re in the part of town where the seadwellers come to shop, and you know that the backstreets aren’t going to be safe anymore.

The seadwellers have no idea who your ancestor is, or what you are destined to become once you’ve reached adulthood. To royalty like them, all landdwellers are the same, no matter their place on the caste. Nobility to peasantry, as long as you don’t have the ability to breathe underwater, you’re going to be looked upon as no more than mincemeat. 

Generally you would slow down your brisk pace at this point, if only to gaze upon all the gorgeous accessories and weapons that the seadwellers are selling and buying. Even if it meant putting your life at risk, it’s impossible not to stare a little.

Obviously you don’t even have the patience to glance at the jewels tonight, even when they catch the light of the two moons just so in a way that could blind a person.

Well, maybe you catch one out of the corner of your eye once, but that’s just a reflex.

For the most part, you keep your attention focused on the crowd so that you don’t accidentally bump into someone and start an unnecessary strife.

Your attention is so focused, in fact, that when your phone beeps to alert you to a new message, you flinch hard enough that you come to a very close call in bumping shoulders with a very unpleased looking seadweller female.

Offering her a forced apologetic smile, you weave your way into a side street so you won’t bother anyone else and uncaptchalogue the phone, opening up Trollian.

\--casualGamergirl [CG] has begun trolling christenedTaciturn [CT]--

CG: yo k-loz t3ll m3 you h4v3nt got your r1ch3ous s3lf lost  
CG: youre st1ll on your w4y r1ght  
CG: dud3 4nsw3r m3 th3 oth3r m4k4r4 told m3 you h4d troll14n on your phon3  
CT: I AM HERE.  
CT: AND YES I AM ON MY WAY.  
CG: th4nk fuck1ng god  
CG: you hon3stly n33d to b3 h3r3  
CG: l1k3 r1ght th3 fuck now 1m not 3v3n pull1ng your l3g bro  
CT: WHAT’S WRONG.  
CG: wh4t 1snt wrong  
CG: d4mm1t 1 tr13d to d1st4ct h1m for you  
CG: th3 dud3s unstopp4bl3  
CG: br33z3d r1ght by m3 l1k3 1 w4s 1nv1s1bl3 or som3 sh1t  
CG: so not cool  
CT: DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT HIS PLAN IS.  
CG: y34h m4n th4ts so old n3ws  
CG: er1bro 4nd solbro 4r3 gonn4 str1f3 4nd m1tun4 1s gonn4 hop r1ght 1n th3 m1ddl3 of th4t b1zn4sty m3ss 4nd try to stop 1t  
CG: h1s pl4n 1s so off th3 r41ls  
CG: 3r1d4n 1s go1ng to sw1p3 h1s 4ss off th3 f4c3 of 4lt3rn14  
CG: 1 4m l1t3r4lly fl1pp1ng my sh1t h3r3 my m1m3 m4n  
CG: you h4v3 to do som3th1ng  
CT: I AM COMING AS FAST AS I CAN.  
CG: com3 f4st3r

\--casualGamergirl [CG] has logged off!--

Heart thumping against your ribcage, you all but chuck your phone back into its captchalogue card and take off. With this much adrenaline pumping through your ice-cold bloodstream, it’s unlikely you’ll run out of energy now. You can’t afford to.

It doesn’t matter to you that you end up nearly running over more trolls than you manage to nimbly avoid. If they want to chase you and force you to apologize to them, you have a strife deck full of clubs that would be happy to meet them. If you can’t equip your weapons fast enough, your claws and fangs will more than make up for it.

Thankfully, none of them do, although many have unpleasant words for you. It doesn’t matter. You aren’t listening to anything but the pounding of your feet against the pavement.

You’re not going fast enough! It’s important that you remain calm, but even so, logistics are quickly being smothered out by your deeper instincts. It’s in your blood. Your inner troll isn’t saying, _We need to stay focused_. It’s chanting _Save your diamond, save your diamond, save your diamond_. 

You’re torn between hating Mituna for being so stupid and hating the world for being dangerous in the first place. Once this is over, you’re locking that boy up in a box in the deepest cavern in the world with enough games to keep him satisfied for the rest of his life.

The fact that he isn’t technically yours doesn’t register in your think pan. Tonight, you are going to make your feelings clear, and he will either accept you or reject you.

For your own benefit, you pretend that you’re going to get the chance.

==>Mituna Captor: Be saved from your attempt at suicide

No such luck, chums. It’s either you or Sollux at this point, and you’re more than certain that you have a much better chance coming out the other side with all your limbs attached.

You honestly can’t believe your clone was stupid enough to agree to yet another strife session with Eridan. Ever since Sollux started dating Feferi, her moirail has been every shade of jealous green. And since no one has a big enough bulge to bother to auspistice them, it’s only so much longer before one of them ends up as the garnishing on Gl’bgolyb’s next meal.

The problem is that while you have a clue about where this fight is going down, you’re not so clear on the specifics. That’s not too bad, though, seeing as it’ll be pretty easy to track them down as soon as the psionics and laser beams start firing.

You’ve made sure to pick a high location for that purpose.

You’ve ditched Latula a while back, even though most of what you’re doing right now is waiting around for the main event to happen. Like hell she’s going to get involved in something this dangerous. Over your dead body. Besides, on a less sentimental note, it would just be twice as hard to try to protect her at the same time you’re supposed to be saving Sollux’s ass. And since duality is more of your clone’s thing, you’re not going to even attempt that.

As you wait, your helmet pings with an incoming message. Sollux has programmed Trollian into it for you, which gets Kurloz off your bulge. He’s always checking up on you, and he will fuss endlessly if he can’t reach you somehow at every possible moment.

Which is kind of cute, but that doesn’t mean you don’t give him hell for it, because it’s also annoying as fuck. You already have a lusus, thank you very much, you overbearing mime.

You wonder if it’s Kurloz who’s messaging you. Maybe he’s here and he’s wondering where you are?

Flipping the switch on your visor, your vision changes to that of your Trollian screen. Nope, it’s not Kurloz. Uhg, what does this douchebag want? Do you even dare to reply?

\--authenticConjurer [AC] has begun trolling auraTormented [AT]

AC: hey there buddy.  
AC: vwhat’s the wvord?  
AT: 570P 17 W17H 7H3 C0Y V3RB4L F0R3PL4Y 8ULL5H17 4ND JU57 T3LL M3 WH47 Y0U W4N7  
AC: wvell right on.  
AC: let’s just skip to the good part am i right?  
AC: basically i knowv wvhat you’re plannin on doing and even if it is admirable i have to advise you to not go through vwith it.  
AT: H0LY H0T M3SS 0F F0RN1C4T10N  
AT: WHY D0 Y0U C4R3 1F 1 8L0W MYS3LF 1NT0 SM1TH3R33N5 0R N07  
AT: WH0S PU771NG Y0U UP 70 7H15  
AC: no one i svwear!  
AT: 0H Y3S 7H475 V3RY L1K3LY  
AT: L1S73N 70 TH3 50UND 0F M3 831NG C0NV1NC3D 8Y 7H47  
AT: 0H W417 N3V3RM1ND  
AT: 4LL Y0U G3T 15 4N 34RFUL 0F P0UND1NG DRUM5 4ND 0FF-K3Y 7R1B4L CH4N71NG  
AT: 7H3YR3 54Y1NG   
AT: M17UN4 15 N07 4 7H1NK P4N D3R4NG3D DUP3  
AT: N1C3 7RY CR0NU5  
AC: hey i’m tryin to be real serious here.  
AC: all i am doin is vwatchin out for you as your friend.  
AC: because that’s wvhat friends are for.  
AT: 1 TH0UGH7 FR13ND5 W3R3 F0R K33P1NG 50 7H47 Y0U H4V3 S0M30N3 4R0UND 45 4 D3F4UL7 R0M4N71C 45P3C7 L357 4LL 07H3R 0P710N5 F41L Y0U C0M3 F1L14L P41L D4Y  
AC: that’s also vwhat friends are for.  
AT: 3H3H3H  
AT: 0K4Y F41R 3N0UGH  
AC: but for real here you knovw you hawve to back dovwn right?  
AT: 1 C4NT  
AT: 07H3RW153 SOLLUX 15 GO1NG 7O D13  
AC: vwell you don’t knovw that for certain he could come out on top.  
AT: N0 1 KN0W  
AC: okay yeah there’s no vway sollux is gonna be able to best eridan.  
AT: 50 Y0U 533 MY PR08L3M  
AC: crystal clear, chief.  
AC: but wvhat makes you think that you can take on eridan in his place?  
AT: 1 D0N7 7H1NK 7H47  
AC: oh.  
AC: so this is some sorta martyr deal?  
AC: dammit that’s so obwvious i shoulda thought of that.  
AT: WH47  
AC: newvermind.  
AC: but that’s vwhat this is, right?  
AC: pullin out the hero card and catchin all the svwoonin bitches in the process?  
AT: N0  
AT: 7H15 15 N07 S0M3 S0R74 M4RTYR D34L  
AT: 7H15 15 50M3 50R74 PU771NG 4 B17CH455 54L7YN00K3D N0 G00D 534DW3LL3R 84CK D0WN 1N H15 PR0P3R PL4C3 D34L  
AC: ah.  
AC: should i ask vwhere his place is?  
AT: 1 5UPP053 WH473V3R R34LM 0F H3LL 534DW3LL3R5 CR4WL3D 0U7 0F  
AT: 1N TH3 MUD 4T 7H3 80770M 0F 7H3 0C34N5 455CR4CK M4YB3  
AC: oh wvowv okay.  
AT: N0 0FF3NC3 T0 Y0U  
AC: yeah because vwhy vwould i take offense ovwer that.  
AT: WH4T3V3R  
AT: 1 H4V3 70 P4Y 4773N710N 50 1 KN0W 45 500N 45 7H3 5TR1F3 5T4RT5  
AT: 1M G01NG 70 PU7 Y0U 0N H0LD  
AC: vwait.  
AC: just a moment more.  
AT: WH47  
AC: don’t you think you should contact kurloz or somethin?  
AT: H35 N0T MY FUCK1NG GRUB51773R Y0U KN0W  
AC: yeah i knowv that.  
AC: it’s just i kind of got the feelin the twvo of you are gonna be moirails some day.  
AC: like it is inevitable.  
AC: kinda like nepeta and equius.  
AC: you remember hovw long they wvere dancin around the subject ewven like fuckin nobody was in the dark about the fact that it vwas gonna happen sooner or later?  
AC: and then vwe all wvent the vwhole fuckin routine again wvith horrus and meulin?  
AC: i just thought vwe could be mature adults this time and not pretend that wve both don’t knovw about your obvwious mutual pale affections.  
AT: 0H  
AT: 7H3N Y34H  
AT: H3 4LR34DY C0N74C73D M3  
AT: H35 5UPP053D 70 83 M3371NG M3 H3R3 5H0R7LY  
AC: ok that’s wvhat i like to hear.  
AC: so you’re vwaitin for him to arrive before you start the showv?  
AT: N0  
AT: 1M G01NG 70 5T4R7 3V3N 1F H3 4RR1V3S L473  
AT: 1M N07 G01NG 70 R15K S0LLUX5 L1F3 L1K3 7H47  
AC: that’s not a wvery good moirail behawvior right there.  
AT: 4ND Y0U W0ULD KN0W 7H47 H0W  
AT: L375 C0N5UL7 Y0UR QU4DR4N75 F0R 4 M0M3N7 H3R3  
AC: wvowv okay no.  
AC: look just don’t say i newver did anythin for you.  
AT: L37 M3 M4K3 4 N073 0F 7H47 R1GHT N0W 83C4U53 7H475 7H3 M057 1MP0R74N7 7H1NG 0N MY 70 D0 L157  
AC: yes thank you.  
AT: H0LY GRUB5QU45H1NG FUCKF357  
AC: vwhoa vwhat?

You pull the visor up. In your conversation, you had missed the first crackles of psionics, but that loud echo of a gunshot is unmistakable. The battle has started.

AT: 1T5 83GUN  
AT: 1 H4V3 70 G0  
AC: don’t get yourself killed, chief.  
AT: R0G3R 7H47

\--authenticConjurer [AC] has ceased trolling auraTormented [AT]--

Well, that was exhausting. And now you have to go and enter the strife. You’re about to turn to go to Sollux’s aid, but at some random impulse, you scroll up through the conversation to the line where Cronus mentioned the “obvwious mutual pale affections”. Were they really that obvious? And mutual? _Like Nepeta and Equius_ , huh? You bite your lip and consider waiting for Kurloz.

There is another gunshot, and you remember your dream from the day before. You wonder how long the battle has been going on. Assuming that was the second shot Eridan gave, you can safely assume that Sollux has at most ten minutes left to live. It’ll probably take all of those ten minutes for you to reach their location.

Being a prophet is a real pain in the ass. Your decision is made for you.

“Thorry Kurloth,” you say to nobody, and run off in the direction of the sizzling blue and red energy dancing above the rooftops a mile or so off.

==>Feferi Peixes: Where are you in all of this?

Well, what do you mean by that!

This has been a fairly normal night for you, swimming around in your underwater block and tending to your cuttlefish. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing to be concerned about.

Your cuttlefish, by the way, are just TOO CUTE. Some of them have wandered out of their cages, and you decided that you can let them wander about for a little bit before you put them back. They probably just want to stretch their fins a little bit, and you can’t fault them for that!

The only thing out of the ordinary is that you’ve been awaiting a message from your moirail Eridan. He would usually be contacting you by now. It seems like every single night he has something he wants to bitch and moan about. It’s starting to get under your gills. If you weren’t so worried that he’d hurt someone, you’d—

Well, thinking that like never does you any good. The thing is that he is likely to hurt someone, like ALL THE TIME, and you would be a pretty bad heiress if you didn’t do everything in your power to stop him. 

When you finally get a message, it’s not actually from Eridan at all, but from Gamzee instead. 

How queer! The clown really doesn’t talk to you all that often, but instead of being suspicious, you think that this is a PLEASANT SURPRISE.

Okay, and a little suspicious. Being a little suspicious of everything is another part of being an heiress.

\--terminallyCapricious [TC] has begun trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]--

TC: HeY tHeRe My MoSt BuBbLiNg FiN aNd GiLlEd SiStEr.  
CC: )(ello Gamsea!  
CC: W)(at a PL---EASANT SURPRIS—-E  
TC: YeAh We DoN’t ReAlLy GeT oUr AuRaL fLaPs SmAcKiNg At OnE aNoThEr NoT nEaRlY eNoUgH dO wE?  
CC: Not really!  
CC: But t)(at’s w)(at makos it so special w)(en you do conc)(tact me.  
CC: Or w)(en I conc)(tact you!  
TC: HaHaHaHa YeAaAaAaH sIs  
TC: ThAt’S tOtAlLy ThE rIgHtEoUs TrUtH yOu’D bE sPiLlInG.  
TC: BuT uNfOrTuNaTeLy NoT aLl TrUtH iS aLl ThAt EaSy To ChOkE dOwN lIkE tHaT sPoOnFuL oF sUgAr YoU fOuNd YoUrSeLf ThErE.  
TC: By WhIcH i MeAn To ReGrEtFuLlY iNfOrM yOu ThAt I hAvE sOmE bAd NeWs.  
TC: ReLaTiNg To YoUrS tRuLy.  
TC: WaIt.  
TC: I mEaNt It’S gOt To Do WiTh YoU. iT rEaLlY hAs NoT mUcH tO dO wItH tHiS sOrRy ClOwN mOtHeRfUcKeR, eXcEpT fOr ThE fAcT tHaT i GoT mY tOeS dIpPiNg In ThE sHoReLiNe As ThE mEsSeNgEr.  
CC: O)(??  
CC: W)(at is it?  
TC: WeLl I’vE bEeN aLl AsKiNg AbOuT mItUnA hErE sEe, CaUsE mY gEnEtIcS bRoThEr ThInKs He CoUlD bE pReTtY cLoSe To LeApInG iNtO tHe FiRe AgAiN.  
TC: TuRnS oUt ThAt HiS hUnCh WaS mOsT dEfInItElY nOt UnDeR fAlSe PrEtEnSeS.  
CC: W)(ale t)(at is just awful!  
CC: Mituna s)(ore likes getting )(ims)(ell in trouble now doesn’t )(e?  
TC: YeAh WhO eVeN kNoWs WhAt ShIt ThAt BrOtHeR hAs GoT cOoPeD uP iN hIs PaN?  
TC: So NoW wE’vE gOt OuRsElVeS a SiTuAtIoN tHaT yOu CoUlD bE pLaYiNg A rOlE iN sToPpInG tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg NaStY mEsS bEfOrE iT cOmEs SwInGiNg DoWn.  
CC: Me?  
CC: Don’t get me wrong, I would be MOR--E t)(an )(appy to )(elp!  
CC: But w)(at can I do?  
TC: WeLl OkAy HeRe Is ThE pRoBlEm As FaR aS mY tHiNk PaN kNoWs It To Be TrUe:  
TC: SeEmS sOlBrO aNd ErIbRo HaVe AgReEd To MeEt So ThEy CaN aIr OuT sOmE lOnG bItChTiTs OvErDuE tEnSiOn ToWaRdS oNe AnOtHeR.  
CC: O)( you )(ave GOT TO B---E KIDDING M---E  
CC: T)(IS CULLS)(IT  
CC: AGAIN?  
CC: 38(  
TC: UhHhH yOu OkAy ThErE sIs?  
CC: Ooooooooooooooooo)( don’t mind me!  
CC: I’m just so tired of t)(ose petty buoys and t)(eir petty rivalries!  
TC: So ThIs IsN’t BeInG oLd NeWs ThAt YoUr AuRaLs NeVeR bEeN iNtRoDuCeD tO bEfOrE?  
CC: No not at all.  
CC: T)(is is reely old news, unperc)(unately!   
TC: WeLl ThAt MiGhT mAkE mY jOb Of ExPlAiNiNg ThIs ShIt A wHoLe ToN eAsIeR.  
TC: SeE mItBrO wAnTs To StOp It. I gUeSs He’S oF tHe MiNd WhErE hE’s ThInKiNg ThAt SoLbRo AiN’t GoNnA bE wInNiNg ThE bAtTlE?  
TC: AnD yOu KnOw He’S uSuAlLy LiKe ReAlLy RiGhT aBoUt A lOt Of MoThErFuCkInG tHiNgS tHaT hAvEn’T gOt A wHoLe LoT oF sEnSe FoR hIm To Be KnOwInG, bUt He’S aLl Up AnD bEiNg AwArE oF iT aNyHoW?  
TC: He’S jUsT lIkE a TiNy MiRaClE bRoThEr I gUeSs.  
CC: Kinda, yea)(.  
TC: ThAt’D bE cOoL, tHoUgH, wOuLdN’t It?  
TC: BeInG aLl WiSe AnD sHiT?  
CC: I don’t know, t)(at sounds like a ferry difficult t)(ing to live wit)(!  
CC: Imagine if you knew everyfin t)(at was going to )(appen before it actually )(appened…  
TC: WhOa.  
TC: ThAt’D jUsT sUcK tHe LiTtLe MiRaClEs OuT oF tHe RoSeS yOu GoTtA bE sMeLlInG oN tHe RoAd Of LiFe YoU kNoW?  
TC: LiKe HoW dOeS tHe LiTtLe MoThErFuCkEr EvEn DeAl?  
CC: I’m not s)(ore.  
TC: On SeCoNd ThOuGhT, i GuEsS i’D rAtHeR bE mE.  
CC: T)(at’s probubbly a good idea. But anywave! You were saying?  
TC: WoW wE jUsT cOmPlEtElY fOrGoTtEn ThE tOpIc LiKe It WaS a TaG-aLoNg GrUb AnD wE wErE nOt ReMeMbErInG hOw We WeRe SuPpOsEd To Be WaTcHiNg ThE dAmN tHiNg.  
CC: Kind of, yea)(!  
TC: GeTtInG bAcK oN tRaCk HeRe, ThE mAiN pOiNt YoU gOtTa Be StIcKiNg To YoUr CrAnIuM lIkE oNe Of ThOsE sTiCkY yElLoW pApErY mOtHeRfUcKeRs Is ThAt MiTbRo MiGhT gEt HuRt In SoLbRo’S pLaCe.   
TC: So I dOn’T kNoW wHaT yOu WaNnA bE dOiNg AbOuT tHaT, bUt I’m ThInKiNg ThAt MaYbE yOu CoUlD bE uSiNg YoUr DiAmOnD pOwErS oN eRiBrO, kIcK hIm DoWn FrOm HiS hIgH sEaHoRsE a LiTtLe BiT.  
CC: Diamond powers!  
CC: 38D  
CC: Gamsea, you say t)(e ODD--EST T)(INGS.  
TC: MaN, dO i?  
TC: I dIdN’t EvEn ThInK tOo HaRd On It, It JuSt KiNd Of FlOwEd, YeAh?  
TC: LiKe HoW eLsE cAn OnE mOtHeRfUcKeR bE hAvInG aNoThEr MoThErFuCkEr CaLmInG hIs TiTs DoWn WhEn AlL hE oR sHe WaNtS tO bE dOiNg Is GoInG oFf In A mIrThFuL rAgE?  
TC: MiRaClEs Is HoW.  
TC: ThE mIrAcLe Of DiAmOnD pOwEr My DeAr FiShY fRiEnD.  
TC: AnD yOu HaVe It.  
CC: I )(ave t)(e power?  
TC: YeAh YoU hAvE tHoSe PoWeRs In ThE fIrE.  
TC: WaIt.  
TC: ThAt’S nOt HoW tHe JoKe UsUaLlY gOeS dOwN, iS iT?  
CC: Ummmm  
CC: Close enoug)()(!  
TC: YeAh SiS a ClOsE aPpRoXiMaTiOn StIlL gEtS sOmE pOiNtS!  
TC: LiKe OnE oF tHeM sWiRlY bOaRd ThInGs EqUiBrO’s AlWaYs GeTtInG hIs FoCuS oN. iF oNlY hE dIdN’t Go AnD sNaP hIs BoWs AlL tHe TiMe.  
CC: You mean a… target?  
TC: DaMn ChIcA.  
TC: ThAt’S eXaCtLy ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN wOrD i WaS fIsHiNg FoR.  
CC: )(--E--E )(--E--E  
CC: FIS)(ING!!  
CC: 38D  
TC: GlAd I cOuLd Be AlL uP aNd PuTtInG a SmIlE tO yOuR lIpS wItH sOmE aDmItTeDlY eAsY fIsH pUnS.  
CC: Gamsea we reely s)(ould talk moor often!  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG yEaH wE sHoUlD, sIsTeR.  
CC: It’s a deal!  
CC: Anywave I s)(ould probably mako sure t)(at -Eridan doesn’t krill my baitsprit!  
TC: Oh YeAh ThAt’S pRoBaBlY pRiOrItY nUmErO uNo.  
CC: Absolutely.  
CC: So… talk to you soon?  
TC: CoUnT oN iT.  
CC: Okay, I will.  
CC: Glubglubglub!!!  
TC: HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk!

\--terminallyCapricious [TC] has ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]--

See what you said about Eridan? What a handful! Hopefully you can solve this whole problem as quickly as possible.

Usually all of Eridan’s threats are empty, though. But if Mituna says that he could actually hurt – or even kill somebody – well, you’re not going to chance it. Especially when one of the trolls in danger is your very own matesprit!

Boys and their bulge-measuring contests, though! What an exhausting thing to deal with.

Grabbing your trident and stashing it into your strife deck, you swim out through the window and begin kicking your fins towards the surface. You pass some of the guards that are always stationed around your hive, though their allegiance is more to the Condesce than it is to you. Well, her and to Gl’bgolyb, of course.

You don’t pay them any mind. Your priority numero uno, as Gamzee said, is Eridan. Thankfully, you know him well enough by now that you don’t even have to think twice about where he would have staged this battle to go down.

There’s an old arena not too far from your hive. That’s where the Condesce used to test her most skilled of warriors with dangerously rigged trials and contests to see who would serve directly underneath her, back when adults still lived on planet. The only reason you even know about it is because Eridan has told you about the trials Dualscar once supposedly faced on that very battlefield enough times for it to be forever ingrained in your think pan. 

It’s kind of cute how Eridan so idolizes that man who honestly may or may not have actually existed, and if you weren’t so flipping pissed off at him right now, you’d probably smile about it a little.

You emerge near the bank, pausing to peel a clump of soggy hair off of your face before you pull yourself onto the cliff. The rocks here are full of enough ridges to hold onto for you to reach the top without wasting too much time.

Already you can hear all the signs of an intense strife. There is the _bang_ of Eridan’s gun, and the _snap, sizzle_ of Sollux’s mutant powers.

Your hair falls back in your face, but you ignore it this time and begin darting towards the sounds.

Somehow, you’re starting to get the feeling that this isn’t just another show of testosterone or even some sort of caliginous flirting. Maybe you should have taken Eridan up on his offer and agreed to be their auspistice. If one of them dies, you’re going to regret that decision forever.

Wait, hold up one flipper dam moment. _Dies_? Where did that thought come from?

Suddenly you’re flying, running so fast that you’re nearly convinced that your feet don’t even touch the ground. If one of them dies, you’re going to kill the both of them!

==>Sollux Captor: Avoid getting shot to death

Well, what the hell did you think you were doing? Kissing the floor and offering your nook to the barrel of Eridan’s gun? Get fucking real.

To be honest, though, it’s not all that easy. Eridan is quicker than you anticipated, far more swift in his movements that you’ve ever seen of him before. You’re starting to get the feeling that he has been holding off on you for some time, and only now is he actually trying to hurt you.

Ordinarily, you’d be scoffing at yourself at this point, because the idea of Eridan being stronger than you is laughable, if you weren’t witnessing it with your own eyes.

Seriously, it’s like this freak is on a whole other level of badassery, or maybe just assery in general. Perhaps you should be suspecting him of abusing performance drugs or something? Not that it will really matter if he ends up blowing your brains out the back of your skull.

“W-what’s w-wrong, Sol? You too busy bein’ distracted by your ow-wn doomed voice that you can’t concentrate?”

“I’m trying not to vomit at the thight of your face,” you retort quickly, ducking behind a pillar for one moment of peace. You really should have trained more often, instead of spending so much time on your grubtop programming. None of that shit is going to help you right now, is it?

It doesn’t help that the field of battle that Eridan has chosen plays more in his favor than yours. He’s obviously spent a lot of time here before, so he doesn’t have to worry about putting half of his attention to not breaking his ankle tripping over all the rubble and junk on the ground. Like, seriously, what the fuck is this dump and why hasn’t anyone torn it down yet?

The stupid piece-of-shit pillar behind you begins to crumble under the repeated assault of Eridan’s bullets.

Your train of thought interrupted, you quickly search for another place to catch your breath and begin planning your next move.

Dodging around some pits that are so deep that the moonlight doesn’t even begin to illuminate their depths, you scamper rather ungracefully until you find sanctuary around the corner of a fragment of what must have been some sort of wall. 

“Too busy hidin’ is more like it,” you hear Eridan say, his voice silky smooth with the anticipation of an easy kill. There, at least, he’ll be wrong.

If you’re really going to die today, you’re going to make sure that it’s the most painful experience of his life. If he actually does end up shooting you, you’ll make sure he gives himself a complimentary one in his bulge right before you die. Speaking of that idea, maybe you could use your psionics to get the gun to blow up in his face or something? Except, no, it’s too hard to concentrate while you’re dodging bullets from his rifle. You need some sort of _distraction_.

“Eridan! Back off!”

Feferi? You turn, peeking out just in time to see her come leaping into the arena. She’s still soaked with ocean water, and you wonder how she found out about your strife season. Or rather, you wonder who the weasel was.

“Fef, you back off,” that asshole barks back at his moirail, “This isn’t your concern.”

His words fill you with a new rage. How dare he speak to Feferi like that, as if he doesn’t even appreciate all the shit she puts up with for him? You’re often halfway waxing pale for her yourself whenever you remember that she has to put up with Eridan’s bullcrap every single night of her life.

“Thhe’s your fucking palemate,” you remind Eridan, stepping around so that he can see you, “It’th her job to calm your athh down whenever you go crazy, which hey, FF, you’re right on time.”

Eridan lifts his gun to point at your chest, but you know he can’t kill you right in front of Feferi. You mean too much to her. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? That’s why he wants to make you a watery grave in the first place.

Feferi swats Eridan’s shoulder, more of a slap than a pap, and grins at you. “Glad to _sea_ that the two of you buoys are still alive!”

Her attempts to lighten up the mood fail miserably.

“Fef, step back an let us finish this,” Eridan growls, his eyes having not even flickered away from your face for a second, even when she gives him another, gentler pap to his face. “I’m not playin’ this time. I’m not goin’ to allow-w your quadrants to be soiled by this pissblood any longer.”

Though it’s nothing you haven’t heard from him before, you find yourself growling underneath your breath. _Not in front of Feferi_.

Feferi takes even more offense to it than you do, as usual. “Eridan! Shut the glub up about the bullcarp hemospectrum already! No one even cares about it anymore. It’s outdated and stupid and it doesn’t mean anyfin!”

“Not to you,” Eridan pointed out, “but it matters to a w-whole race a trolls that you w-want to rule ower, an they’d newer accept you as Empress w-with a psionic’s mutated genetic material befoulin’ your redrom bucket.” He shoves Feferi away, and she doesn’t fight back, paralyzed by his next choice of words. “The Condesce is goin’ to chose Meenah, an w-when she rules for the next tw-wo thousand sw-weeps, she ain’t goin’ to do anythin’ but back up the hemospectrum, if for no reason but to spite you.”

Holy fuck, you want to strangle that douchebag until his head pops off of his shoulders, but haven’t you suspected the same things yourself?

He advances towards you, walking leisurely, and all you can do is stumble back.

“W-what do you think Mee’s first action as Empress w-will be, huh?” Eridan’s eyes are flaming with a mad passion, but his words ring with far too much truth. “It isn’t as if there is any lowe lost betw-ween Mee an Fef, is there? She’ll order the drones to cull Fef, an not in her cute hopbeast definition a the term. I mean a straight up killin’ in cold blood. If you really lowed her, Sol, you dirt-ant, you’d let her go for her ow-wn good, let her find a matesprit w-who’s w-worthy a the role.”

That shocks you back to your senses. He’s the same selfish, self-serving, bigoted bastard he’s always been. “I’m athhuming you’re referring to yourthelf?”

“I mean, any single fucker on in this side a the uniwerse other than you! Ya know-w, it ain’t ewen your blood color any longer. It ain’t your fucked up genetics neither. It’s that you’re w-weak an broken in the head, an w-when the day comes w-when Fef really fuckin’ needs you, you’re not goin’ to be able to protect her like I could.”

“That’th enough from you,” you decide, “FF, get the hell back. We’re going to finithh thith once and for all. We’re obviouthly not going to be settling thith any other way.”

Feferi, of course, has other plans. “Like shell I am!” You can admire the way she can still use fish puns under pressure, and you also take time to admire the stiff cut of her jaw as she sets her expression into one of firm determination. “No one is going to be fighting tonight, not on my watch!” There is the _clink_ sound of her trident being equipped, and Feferi holds out her free hand to keep Eridan at bay. This leaves her weapon pointed at you, but you trust her not to use it.

“And how elthe are we pothhibly going to solve thith?” You ask, because as much as you admire what Feferi is trying to do, you know that she’s only holding off the inevitable.

You can see Feferi’s throat move as she takes a large gulp, and then she turns her face from you, as if ashamed. It’s not until you hear her words that you realize why. “Whale, there is only one option left, isn’t there? You two need an auspistice.”

“You?” It seems obvious enough, but still, the suddenness of it shocks the word out of you.

“Do you see anyone else here offering themshells up for the role?”

 _We don’t have to assign an auspistice at this exact moment_ , you almost say, but then you realize that that’s not what she meant. She meant that the both of you literally know no one who would agree to conciliate your rivalry. 

Eridan grins, the fucking dick. He’s so depraved that he’ll actually accept an ashen quadrant with you as long as it means that you aren’t Feferi’s matesprit any longer. Talk about a real _if I can’t have her, no one can_ attitude. And the worst part is, he’s actually winning. Feferi is no longer just considering it. She’s propositioning you.

 _You need a distraction_. And now you’ve got one.

It’s your only choice. You have to catch Eridan off guard. Feferi will understand when you explain your thought process to her later.

Summoning your psionics, you push the full extent of your powers at Feferi, almost amazed how easy it is to send her tumbling through the air. _She’ll be okay_ , you try to assure yourself, but you don’t turn to see if it’s true. You focus your psionics on Eridan, who is frozen in his fancy seadweller shoes.

He didn’t expect that, now did he?

Before he can finish his sentence of, “W-what the fuck?” you have him pinned to the ground with a pulsating cloud of blue and red. 

His finger tries to tap at the trigger of his gun, useless now that it’s pointing off into the distance where its bullets will never find any flesh. You kick the stupid thing away, purposely injuring his hand in the process.

“Who’th the weak one now, you hypocrite?”

You lessen up your hold on him enough to allow him to sit up, though you prevent him from getting to his feet by keeping his arms pressed to his sides.

“Lithten to me, you thcum.” The words tumble from your mouth effortlessly, so many perigees of humiliation coming to bubble up at the surface. You won’t bite your tongue any longer. “Thome of what you thaid may be true, but I’m not the only one who ith putting FF in danger. Your bloodthirtht forceth her to put energy into conciliating you when thhe could be uthhing that thame energy to thharting a campaign againtht MN. And then you go and pull thhit like thith, and people are going to thtart quethtioning whether or not thhe can actually handle you. And who would thupport an Emprethh who can’t even control her own moirail? You are poithoning her reputation ath much ath I am.”

How satisfying it is, to see Eridan’s face morph from anger to denial, and then finally to revulsion. And you can see it in his eyes: he _hates_ himself in that moment. Maybe almost as much as you hate him. You can only wish.

Satisfied, you let him go. Just as you expected, he doesn’t even move. Just sits there looking like he is disappointed you decided to spare him.

“FF is the only one who getth to decide who thhe’th willing to put up with in her quadrantth,” you tell Eridan, now that he is actually listening to you, “Thhe chootheth to thhare a quadrant with you, againtht my better judgment, tho you’re going to allow me to keep her heart… if thhe thtill wantth me to have it after chucking her to the thide with my pthionicth like that…”

Not the best joke you could have made. Whatever miracle had Eridan being rational for the first time in his life burns out, and all that’s left in his eyes is the same cold hubris that’s always been there.

 _Clink_.

You register the sound – and more importantly, what it means – a second too late.

“I am nothin’ like the likes a you.”

It never occurred to you that Eridan had more than one gun on hand. The only thing you get the time to notice about it is that it’s purple. This isn’t your usual everyday rifle.

Then a wave of electricity consumes you.

==>Mituna: Make your entrance

The first thing that you take note of is the fact that Feferi is there. Oh great, so it’s _this_ version of the event. At the positive side, it means that Sollux is only blind, and not yet dead.

On the less positive side, it means that this is going to hurt like an unlubricated buttfuck.

The problem with knowing what is going to happen is that you often spend far too much time remembering what the fuck you’re supposed to do next, like your life is a script instead of improvisation. It’s hard learning to just let go, being confident that you’ll end up doing exactly what you’re meant to do whether you think about it or not.

Of course, you can still mess things up if you think about them too hard, which only makes it easier to overthink it. This is too important to fuck up.

So you let go.

Eridan raises the gun again, pointing it at Sollux’s crumpled body. Like touching a hand to a hot surface, your reflex is instantaneous. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you see a flash of color and gray – Feferi, you realize – as you lunge forward towards Eridan, hands out to help channel your energy. You want Eridan to feel as much pain possible before you go.

Telekinetics sizzle down the seadweller’s spine, and you aren’t aware of this by sight, but rather by feeling the outline of his body with your sixth sense. If you willed it, you believe you could crush him under the pressure of your power. 

Red and blue take up your entire consciousness, blotting out the rest of the world into white fog. The psionics are a part of you, and where they spread, so do you, stretching out of the confides of your mortal being until you could almost be working outside the laws of the physical world. You’re pooling outside of your borders.

For one bittersweet moment, you’re reminded of being wrigglers, when Sollux make fun of you for being unable to color inside of the lines. 

It only then occurs to you that Eridan is howling in pain. Not loudly enough for your tastes, but at least it’s something. (Because of him and his petty jealousy, Sollux will never be able to see anything you draw ever again.)

Your whole being is a symphony of righteousness and it’s saying, _Make him pay, make him pay, make him pay_!

What happens next is so quick that if you didn’t already know what was going to happen then you would have been taken off guard by how easily everything escalated.

First you’re knocked off of your feet, and the world comes back into focus just fast enough for you to register the ground before it collides with your face. Teeth ringing, sunk into the dirk and rubble, you glanced up at Feferi and the trident she used to trip you with. 

“Mituna, we can explain,” she begins, and fuck, you see Eridan’s eyes flickering towards Sollux again. 

There is a look of smoldering hate in his eyes, the type that has nothing to do with filling quadrants, and you think, _no, this isn’t one of the versions where he actually reconsiders_. Not that you were expecting it to be, but still.

“Feferi, get out of the way!” You get up and dig your nails into her wrist, because she’s still trying to block you from Eridan. She wants to be all diplomatic about this, and she’s so caught up in her campaign for peace that she doesn’t even realize that her moirail is three seconds away from murdering her matesprit in cold blood. 

“Ow!” Feferi shrieks.

It’s not really her fault; it’s just an automatic reaction to having sharp claws piercing into your flesh.

You’re the second mutant to harm Feferi in the same hour span, and so you aren’t even surprised when Eridan’s attention whips back to you.

And you mean that quite literally.

His fist connects with your jaw before you can congratulate yourself. The pain you feel on the back of your head right before you black out is just as bad as you thought it would be.

==>Kurloz: Where the fuck are you?

You’re… not actually all that sure. It seems like a really stupid thing for you to get lost now of all times, but it seems like that’s what happened.

However, you would like to point out that it’s not really your fault. If you could have it your way, you’d go back in time and never take the advice of that simpering waste of breath man and search for Mituna all by yourself.

==>Kurloz: Get trolled by said simpering waster of a breath man again

\--centaursTesticle [CT] has begun trolling christenedTaciturn [CT]--

CT: D--> Have you found him yet  
CT: NO I HAVE NOT.  
CT: YOUR DIRECTS WERE NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED.  
CT: D--> Oh  
CT: D--> I apologize from the pit of my entire vascular system  
CT: D--> Which though it flows with a b100d color that is e%traordinarily noble it is mere sludge in comparison to a b100dline that flows directly from the gods themselves  
CT: D--> Such as yours  
CT: I AM AWARE OF WHOSE BLOODLINE YOU WERE REFERRING TO HERETIC.  
CT: D--> Oh yes  
CT: D--> I am ashamed of my lack of faith  
CT: D--> How fitting it is for you to shove that in my unrepentant face  
CT: HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR BLASPHEMOUS MOUTH.  
CT: D--> Yes  
CT: D--> Yes I will keep my lips pressed close to my teeth  
CT: D--> Uh  
CT: WHAT IS IT.  
CT: D--> Should this also reflect my typing  
CT: D--> Should I not type also  
CT: NO YOU CAN TYPE.  
CT: AS LONG AS WHAT YOU TYPE IS OF USE TO ME.  
CT: D--> Understood  
CT: D--> Are there any other orders you would like to issue in a STRONG all-caps manner  
CT: THAT QUESTION IS OF NO MOTHERFUCKING USE TO ME.  
CT: D--> Oh  
CT: D--> What question would be of more service to you master  
CT: D--> Do you mind if I call you master  
CT: CALL ME WHATEVER THE MOTHERFUCK YOU WANT.  
CT: AS LONG AS YOU TELL ME WHERE MITUNA IS.  
CT: OR DIRECT ME TO SOMEONE WHO CAN.  
CT: D--> You still want to know where the mutant boy is  
CT: DID YOU MISREAD MY SUPERIOR PURPLE TEXT.  
CT: D--> Urk  
CT: D--> No I did not  
CT: THEN DO NOT WASTE MY TIME ASKING STUPID QUESTIONS.  
CT: D--> Again I apologize  
CT: D--> I am unfit to even lick the bottom of your shoes  
CT: D--> Allow me to make it up to you  
CT: I CAN SEE WE ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO MOVE IN CIRCLES.  
CT: I AM GOING TO TALK TO SOMEBODY ELSE.  
CT: D--> No wait  
CT: D--> I mean  
CT: D--> If you want to wait  
CT: D--> This is a very misfit sort of network of connections we have here  
CT: D--> And most of those who are part of it are either too low on the spectrum to garner your attention  
CT: D--> Are seadwellers who are not to be trusted under any circumstance  
CT: D--> Or are miraculously incompetent for their caste place  
CT: YOU ARE REFERRING TO MY CLONE.  
CT: D--> Um no  
CT: D--> I would never e%plictly say anything bad about any troll who shares your genetics  
CT: D--> Even if he is as loathsome as you are gallant  
CT: I THINK THAT COUNTS AS SAYING SOMETHING.  
CT: D--> Oh  
CT: D--> I did not mean any offense  
CT: D--> Perhaps I should get one of my robots to punish me for continuing to waste your precious time  
CT: OR YOU COULD STOP WASTING MY PRECIOUS TIME.  
CT: AND TELL ME WHERE MITUNA IS.  
CT: WITH FATHOMABLE DIRECTIONS.  
CT: D--> Absolutely  
CT: D--> He is at the championing grounds of old  
CT: YOU’RE SAID THIS BEFORE.  
CT: I DO NOT KNOW OF SUCH A PLACE.  
CT: D--> It is on Peixes property  
CT: D--> Near the ocean’s edge  
CT: MORE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE SAID BEFORE.  
CT: ARE YOU ONLY CAPABLE OF PARROTING YOURSELF.  
CT: D--> No absolutely not  
CT: THEN TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T ALREADY KNOW.  
CT: D--> E%cuse me master  
CT: D--> One of the peasants is trying to contact me  
CT: D--> I will see if I can seize any useful information from them

Whatever patience you might have once had is gone. When this is over, you are going to Equius’s hive and you are going to make sure he finds out exactly why you’re higher than him on the hemospectrum. Except he might just get aroused or something.

You’ll have to think about ways to really get under his skin later.

CT: D--> I have just spoken with Latula  
CT: D--> Um  
CT: D--> You won’t like this master  
CT: WHAT WON’T I LIKE.  
CT: D--> On the positive side I now know where the psionics are  
CT: D--> Well  
CT: D--> Former psionics  
CT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.  
CT: FORMER PSIONICS.  
CT: D--> There was an accident  
CT: D--> Sollux can no longer use psionics apparently  
CT: D--> It is yet to be determined if Mituna has shared this fate  
CT: WHAT HAPPENED.  
CT: BE CURT.  
CT: D--> There was a fight between Eridan and Sollux  
CT: I KNOW THAT ALREADY.  
CT: WHY HAS SOLLUX LOST HIS POWERS.  
CT: D--> Latula said that he was hurt  
CT: D--> His eyes were burnt out of his skull  
CT: WHAT OF MITUNA.  
CT: D--> He was thrown against a sharp pillar  
CT: D--> They say his head injury 100ks serious  
CT: IS ERIDAN STILL THERE.  
CT: D--> Let me check  
CT: D--> Yes he is  
CT: TELL LATULA TO BORROW HIS GUN.  
CT: AND SHOT A BULLET INTO THE SKY.  
CT: IF I AM CLOSE I WILL HEAR IT.  
CT: D--> Yes master  
CT: D--> Is there anything else I can do  
CT: DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN UNTIL I CONTACT YOU.

\--christenedTaciturn [CT] has blocked centaursTesticle [CT]--

You’re almost surprised by how calm you feel. Perhaps your body just can’t handle too much despair and fear at once, and your brain just sorts of tries to pretend that you don’t have emotions anymore because that’s how you feel, as if you’ve lost the ability to care. 

Time ticks by slowly. You wait, staring off at nothing, your ears perked.

 _C’mon, you spineless, closeted pervert freak of nature. Do this one good thing in your horribly unserviceable stretch of existence_.

You almost fear that Equius is going to disappoint you again, but finally—

 _Bang_!

They’re not far away. You sprint faster than you previously thought was possible.

==>Sollux: Wake Mituna up

“Mituna? Mituna?!” You shake his shoulders, being gentle with him because he’s bleeding, he’s fucking bleeding gold everywhere and you can feel the warm blood on your hands and on Latula’s pants and Latula is cradling his head just so in her lap so he doesn’t move too much but you think the damage is already done, he’s falling apart and you don’t know how to put him back together.

Just like the last thousand times that you’ve called his name, he fails to respond.

This is all your fault. 

“Mituna, man, wake up! Come back to reality, you’ve thlept long enough already!”

“Mituna, babe,” Latula tries, her voice barely coherent through her loud, gulping sobs, “Wake up.” She sounds like she’s running out of air and seconds away from vomiting from sheer stress.

The whole world is black and the constant, unyielding pain that you’ve long grown accustom to is gone, you can no longer hear any voices in your head. You can’t tell how bad the damage is to your clone, your brother, but by the way Eridan is freaking out you can tell it isn’t pretty.

“Get him the fuck out of here,” you hiss at Feferi again, because you want to kill him, want to pull his protein chute out through his mouth and shove the whole thing up his nook, you’re so mad you’re dangerously close to crying, but you think it’s actually impossible for you to cry now, and that only makes you that much more pissed off.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh glubbin’ fuck,” he babbles.

Feferi is the only one here with a calm head. Her voice reaches out of the void that is your life now and says, “Shoosh! All of you!”

You all shoosh. Even Latula’s breathing evens out, though she can’t stop sniffling.

“Mee-tuna!” Feferi tries, her voice soft and gentle, and as always, cheerful, “C’mon, wade up sillyhead! You’re makoing your clone and baitsprit worry themshells sick!”

You hold your breath, hoping against all logic that Feferi’s beautiful feminine voice will work.

The thing is, you don’t even know what happened. One minute you were being electrocuted to death, but you managed to survive. And then you woke up and you couldn’t see and when you went to touch your eyes they were gone and you got sick because you touched an empty bloody eyesocket and that was the most disgusted thing you’ve ever done. Once you were done with that, you became aware of Latula’s voice. She was calling Mituna’s name and Eridan and Feferi starting fighting with her trying to explain why he was unconscious and before you knew which way was up you were stumbling over towards their voices and now you all have been trying unsuccessfully to wake your brother up.

All you know is that Mituna might be even more damaged than you are and that it’s all Eridan’s fault. Your mind is on a looping record of _Don’t be dead, don’t be dead, oh please, don’t be dead_.

Then Latula’s voice says, “Kurloz?”

You perk your head up, listening and _there_. You can hear the sound of approaching footsteps. Kurloz, your clone’s palecrush, maybe he can wake Mituna up, doesn’t he have weird clown mind powers?

Under you, you can feel Mituna move, and you’re hopeful for one soul-crushing split second before you realize that Latula is handing him to Kurloz. Mituna is still unconscious.

“Kurloz,” Latula repeats, this time a statement and not a question.

You really wish you weren’t blind. This is really fucking annoying not knowing what the everfucking damnation is going on. Especially with Kurloz being mute and all.

Then there’s a gasp and _holy fuck yes that sounds like_ —

“Where am I?”

==>Kurloz: Comfort Mituna

Hey, fuck off! You’re _trying_ , okay? It’s a little hard when you can’t talk. You can make the sign for _shoosh_ all you want, but if he doesn’t even look at you, it’s kind of hard.

“Thollux,” Mituna squacks, head whipping back and forth so hard that you’re afraid he’s going to give himself whiplash, “Kurloth. Tuh. Tula. What the. What the fuck.” He sputters, making a completely incoherent sound, like a tea kettle, and when you peek into his head it doesn’t feel right and…

And oh fuck.

Mituna tries to struggle out of your grasp, shoving at Latula’s shoulder, babbling, “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.”

Neither you or Latula touch him.

“What’th wrong with him?” That’s Sollux, mouth open in disbelief at the raspy, incoherent slant of Mituna’s speech, as if he’s forgotten how to pronounce his own language.

“I can’t,” Mituna growls, “I _can’t_.”

Latula inches just the tiniest bit closer, and Mituna flinches away as if she was going to hurt him. Flinching, Latula backs up again. “Can’t what, babe?”

Mituna whines, high in the back of his throat, unable to find the right words.

Capturing Latula’s attention with a hand wave, you sign, _Mituna has suffered brain damage. He is confused and upset. We have to be patient with him_.

“No,” Latula says, “No. No, no, _no, no, NO_.”

Between the two of you, Mituna trembles like an animal locked away in a cage, making high-pitched sounds of emotional distress. _Stop_ , you try to sign desperately to Latula, _You’re upsetting Mituna_.

“ _No_ ,” Latula repeats, reaches out to touch Mituna.

He screams bloody murder, nearly leaping back onto your lap, and flinches from you. “Nnnnoooooo,” he drawls out, breaths heaving in hyperventilation as his whole being vibrates violently. Like he’s just been pulled from a frozen lake and he’s drenched to the bone with ice water and can’t believe he gets to breathe oxygen again.

You don’t want to do it, but… 

_LATULA_. Her head whips around, and finds your face, and you can see the understanding in her eyes. Your chucklevoodoos are powerful shit, can turn a troll’s think pan inside out at full strength. Luckily, even though you still need more practice controlling it, you’re too young for that sort of juju.

 _LATULA. YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG. FOR MITUNA_.

The is a long, nauseating moment and you think she’s going to scream again, you see the prickle of teal at her eyes. You wait for her to attack, her body caught in the oldest instincts of _fight or flight_ , but then she regains herself, and she does neither.

Would it be cruel to use your powers to calm Mituna down? With the way he’s struggling, moving as if he will die if he stays still, he could injure himself further. Heart in your throat, you make your decision, and move into his head again, this time not only reading him, but slipping some of your influence into his think pan.

“Kurloth,” Mituna says again.

 _THINK_ , you inject into his mind, _REMAIN CALM. OPEN YOURSELF UP AND THE WORDS WILL COME TO YOU _.__

__“Kurloth. I. My brain ith all futthy and rotten inthide. I can’t thay… I can’t thpeak. All thith thtuff all in my head. But it doethn’t. It won’t come out.” It pains you, it really is killing you to listen to him, pathetically struggling to form a complete sentence, you can see how much effort it takes him and you never thought you could ever experience this much pain and sorrow at once. “Like. Like colorth and, and pictureth and thtuff but when. When it’th out of my mouth it jutht. It’th all gray and black and white. Chopped. It ithn’t the thame. How do I…”_ _

___YOU MUST REMAIN CALM_ you reply. And then, after a pause. _SHOOSH_._ _

__Mituna blinks. “Thoothh,” he echoes._ _

___I AM GOING TO TOUCH YOU NOW. IS THAT OKAY_?_ _

__There is a long pause, and you feel the anticipation die within you, because dammit this is not the time to be pale flirting with him, especially if it’s unwanted, you have to help him by giving him whatever he is most comfortable with and if he’s not comfortable with you touching him then why would you—_ _

__“Yeth.”_ _

__You glance at Mituna, uncomprehending._ _

__“Yeth,” he repeats, and crawls onto your lap like the most pointy, sticky ball of fur and torn fabric and you can feel your soul sing because this is just so _right_ , he’s your other half, and you’re complete at long last, and you’ve never been so aware of your emptiness before, but now that it’s gone the change is so severe you’re not at all sure how you didn’t notice before._ _

__You pause only a second to touch him back because he responded so negatively to it before but suddenly you’re filled with confidence, an inherent knowledge that he won’t pull away this time, and so you wrap him up in your arms and hold him together as he continues to shake._ _

__Tilting his chin up to grab his attention, you sign, _shoosh_ again, and he finally goes still._ _

__There is a pause as your audience, who by this point is probably flipping their shits over what you just did, stares at Mituna, relief so evident in their faces that it appears like something out of a comic._ _

__You glance from one to the other, and finally your gaze lands on Eridan._ _

__Right, this douchebag. He is your second priority._ _

___IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN_ , you tell him through your chucklevoodoos, making sure that he is the only one who hears your message, _I WILL TEAR YOUR BULGE OFF, AND WAIT UNTIL THE DRONES REALIZE THAT YOU ARE UNABLE TO PROVIDE WHAT THEY NEED, AND I WILL WATCH AS THEY PUNISH YOU FOR YOUR CRIME AGAINST THE EMPIRE. AND THE DRONES MUST HATE YOUR KIND, MUST DESPISE SEADWELLERS BEYOND RATIONAL COMPREHENSION, AND SO SURELY THEY WILL NOT LET YOU DIE EASILY. THEY WILL TORTURE YOU IN WAYS THAT EVEN I, AS A MEMBER OF THE CULT OF THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS, WILL FIND REVOLTING. AND I WILL NOT HELP YOU_._ _

__You think he might vomit. He does not. He is stronger than you would have given him credit for._ _

__“Fef, I think w-we should go,” he says instead, and his voice only wavers once, at the end, but you wouldn’t have caught it unless you were listening for it._ _

__Feferi opens her mouth like she wants to argue, but then Mituna goes off like a bomb._ _

__“Get the fuck away from me you filthy swine whale-pithh chugging eelth, you did thith to me, you broke me, go, go back to the oceanth athhcrack!!”_ _

__They retreat in a much undignified manner. Hey, at this point you’ll take what little comfort you can get._ _

__“Babe,” Latula says, again not touching him, only hovering, “They’re gone. It’s okay.”_ _

__Oh yeah, he’s still shouting, most of it a string of rather creative derogative insults, only messing up the pronunciation on a few of the words. You pap his back once, and he bites down on the middle of a slur._ _

__“He’th… he’th really,” Sollux begins, his jaw still hanging open._ _

__“Yes,” Latula replies, reaching out to put a comforting hand to Sollux’s shoulder._ _

__Sollux crumples in on himself. “Oh god,” he whimpers, “Thith ith tho fucked up. I… I can’t even cry. My tear ductth. Thith ith… thith ith…”_ _

__“I know,” Latula agrees._ _

__There are no words left. You look at all the destruction around you, and wonder what comes next. You’re going to have to get Mituna someplace safe, of course. Make sure that he doesn’t bleed out and hurt himself further. But what then?_ _

__Latula and Sollux look just as lost as you feel, and even though Mituna has quieted he has started to fidget again._ _

__There’s only one direction left. You’re going to have to scoop up the remains of this disaster and start building. Mituna is going to need serious attention and help. There’s no way you’ll be able to provide all of it on your own. Sollux will help, even though he’ll need his own care. Maybe Terezi can teach him to see with colors or scents or what the fuck ever. Latula, you know you can count on her to do whatever it takes to put things right._ _

__Of course, Mituna will never be what he once was. You’re going to have to make sure that Latula and Sollux know this, that they don’t expect Mituna to wake up one day and be normal. They’re going to have to be patient with him._ _

__Patience is going to run thin some days more than others, and that’s just going to be part of your life now. You are determined to keep your temper under tight reins, though._ _

__Mituna shifts in your lap, getting impatient himself. His body language screams, _Let’s get a move on!__ _

__Holding him close to your chest, give him a kiss right on his forehead and then an agreeable nod. _Come on_ , you sign to Latula, _My hive is a long walk. We better start before the sun comes up_._ _

__She nods, gathering Sollux up onto his feet as you do the same for Mitula._ _

__You get a move on._ _


End file.
